Are You in Crisis Mode?

"I would rather you had come home to say you had cancer than coming home to tell me you're gay."

"I was told by my church that homosexuals go to hell. I decided since I was living in hell already, I might as well kill myself and go to hell now, rather than keep living this way."

"When I told her I was gay, my Mom had to give up all the dreams she had for me - that I would marry, have kids, have a 'normal' life."

These statements, made both by parents and by gay children, express the pain and hardship many people face when dealing with being gay. It's never easy to confront the issues involved with living with a difference. Anger, fear, and dismay are normal; many of us test our comfortable beliefs only through crisis. It is important to hold onto hope for your child's happiness, and to avoid acting on fear. Your actions may determine the course of your relationship with your child for years to come.

"He Said He's Gay..."

Five Things to Think About

First... Don't listen to fear. The first thing that may come to mind is the concern that a gay child may experience prejudice, or be at risk of contracting HIV/AIDS. While PFLAG and similar organizations work to prevent bias crimes, the chances of someone being hurt for being gay are small. And HIV/AIDS is avoided by avoiding risky behavior - something true of everyone, straight or gay.
Second... Don't equate your child with stereotypes you've seen in the media. The word "gay," used so frequently to insult or compartmentalize others, may carry baggage, but those meanings do not reflect most gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. Children grow up holding onto the values they've been taught, whatever their own sexual feelings may be.
Third... Don't place your internal feelings above your love for your child. You may feel like you're faced with a choice: your own values versus your child. This is part of a process of learning what kind of adult your child is growing up to become. Children rarely become a perfect reflection of their parents, and it's probably more healthy when they don't. It can be tough when the difference involves sexuality, but you won't regret later being patient and calm today.
Fourth... It is unrealistic to wish for your child to change. Psychologists generally believe sexual attraction is not something that can be changed, and that attempts to do so cause more harm than good. Practices which try to change a gay person to be straight do not have the approval of most of the psychiatric community, and this is based on experience - not an internal prejudice against religion on the part of therapists.
Fifth... Call us. Conversations are confidential; you can express your feelings without imposing them on your child.